rosalind

2011-02-05T22:26:00.001-08:00

Moved.

2011-02-03T09:05:00.000-08:00

Even though we had hopes for dreams that never came.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t always promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers and you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every good-bye you learn."

— Veronica A. Shoffstall

But I knew it was over the moment I felt my heart ache for you.

Life doesn't go the way you want it to most of the time. Regrets, regrets, so many regrets. "So what if your appeal succeeds? It'll never be the school you really, really want to enter." So true, isn't it? She said I'll get over it in time, and I told her I would, but I know I won't, I never will. I'll always rmb that I wasn't able to get the L1R5 I wanted, that I'll never be able to don the beige uniform I've always wanted to wear. I'll always rmb the reason why too - I didn't give it my all. And for that, I deserve all the pain I've gone through since the tenth of January. Every sleepless night, every nerve wrecking crying jag, every full blown emotional stab in the heart, I deserve it all.

Happy Chinese New Year. Visiting is quite boring and tiring, no?

2011-02-01T07:54:00.001-08:00

Life's so damn messed up.
I miss SR so bloody much I could cry. What is wrong with me?

Goodbye SRJC, Hello CJC.

2011-01-26T08:05:00.000-08:00

I should've known you didn't give a damn.
Thanks for making me cry for the sixth time today, I hate you. Or at least I wish I did.

2011-01-26T00:21:00.000-08:00

Setback, after setback, after setback
How many heartbreaks?

I've lost all faith.
Actually, no one in this world truly cares about you.
At the end of the day, all you have is you and your wretched self.

2011-01-25T08:50:00.000-08:00

Every time I close my eyes.

Old videos and photos at dhivya's yesterday really made me realise that everyone around us has grown up- and that we'll be going our separate ways in life on thursday.

Random episodes of Proposal Daisakusen teach me something new each and every time I watch them. It all seems to be about regret, and how we should never sit around waiting for the perfect opportunities to appear, thinking that "there's always tomorrow". But isn't this easier said than done? How much courage does it take, really, to risk losing everything and just plunging into the unknown- not knowing if you'll succeed, not knowing anything. Worst of all is the fear of failure and rejection. The fear that cripples your heart like no other, the fear that has stopped me from fighting for so many things.

At 8AM on 26th January, I'll see the name of my next institution of education in my phone. Hahaha. And then, orientation- last ITP on saturday. Why does life suck so bad? I want to go back to 27 November and start everything all over again. I want rcyc camp back. But it's school now, school school school - making new friends, new environment, dealing with another two years of tests, examinations, mugging, drama and memories. Red Cross is my sweet escape from damned, cold reality.

It's raining.

2011-01-20T05:28:00.000-08:00

L'amor che muove il sole e l'altre stelle.

The attempt to study fd turned into a tourist trip around town. "Akan menghadap kembangan" HAHA. Went to Far East Plaza and Cineleisure for the first time, deprived much yo. And took neoprints again after a million years. The last time I did that was in primary school! Anyw, FEP's like a shopper's paradise, hahaha. You can get pretty flats for ten bucks. Buying accessories is a whole new story, however.

"Why is it so hard to let go of someone that you never even had a chance with?"

True, very true. But once again, it is something completely beyond our control.

2011-01-18T22:31:00.000-08:00

And yet another blow to my self-esteem.
The hits just keep coming.
I'll always be useless, no?

Worried, ttm. But what can I do? Nothing.

2011-01-14T00:21:00.000-08:00

Hey, you were so easy to love-
But wait, I guess love wasn't enough.

Finally done crying over my O level results. Three days straight should be more than enough, no? Hahaha. Still, I really don't believe in miracles anymore, or all that crap about how if you put in lots of effort, you'll reap what you sow (what a joke lol). Or anything much actually, really, for that matter. And strangely, I don't want to care about which junior college I end up in anymore, maybe cause it'll hurt less that way. But I know I do care actually.

Thank you friends! (: I'm sorry for being such a B-word to everyone recently.

My hair is stuck at a disgusting stage it can't grow out of cause clever me keeps getting it cut. Haha. Paranoia of split ends yo.

Currently obsessed with this song! Beautiful blending voices + piano ftw. Christina Grimmie is really pretty! Can't believe she's only sixteen. A few minutes after I liked her Facebook page, shixian was like "OMG I LOVE CHRISTINA GRIMMIE" on msn HAHAHA super funny!!

Human emotions are really complicated. Is there a way to stop yourself from getting attracted to the wrong people? Perhaps not. Can't read your mind, want you to be happy, but I know you aren't. Yet I don't know what I can do about it. And I thought you'd be the first person to care, yet, at the end of the day, I guess I was totally wrong, again. Are we all really just selfish teenagers deep inside?

I'm going to drown myself in Jpop now. ITP tmr, the only thing worth looking forward to in my life right now.

2011-01-09T21:32:00.000-08:00

I disappear into the person I love.
If I love you, you can have it all.

‎"We all want things to stay the same. Settle because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. I looked around this place, at the chaos it has endured- it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic-it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift, the road to transformation."

Last night plagued me with mixed feelings. Isn't it so obvious alrd? Secrets, so many secrets. It hurt so much I couldn't even speak.

Everything will change tmr.
Just like it did on 27 November 2010.

2011-01-08T07:51:00.000-08:00

Facing forwards, sinking in thin air
Help me to learn to breath again.

One moment, you're the nicest and friendliest person in the world. You get me so damn attached to you, you make me want to trust you. Then you completely ignore me. And the cycle repeats itself, over and over again.

But, it feels like it's about to end though.

Throbbing headache tonight and a screwed up heart.

2011-01-07T07:29:00.000-08:00

Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.

"Shopping" with saranya and marilyn yesterday was a failure- again, shopping trips always seem to fail, just walk walk walk but don't buy anything! Perhaps we should get some help from more experienced shoppers! HAHAHA, but for the first time looking at clothes was really fun, yaye.

Don't you hate it when you think you can trust someone, but it turns out that you can't? When you think you're comfortable with a person and the next moment it changes, or when you get close to someone, and drift apart suddenly. And you're like, "What is this? I feel so cheated." This is the exact reason why so many people guard their hearts so cautiously, isn't it? Tired of disappointment and endless aching, really.

If you can't do it, don't say you can. There's just no use trying to force things, you'll only hurt the people involved, and perhaps even yourself in the process. Just be true to who you are, and who you can truly click with well - well, and here I can only wish that I had the courage to say all these things to you. But even if I did, would you understand? You belong to such a strange species, after all.

Sigh this is so random but I seriously miss RCYC still. It was like four days of torture that felt awesome, I miss the open number game and even running all over Pulau Ubin ): and shifting chairs!

VIP camp results today and O level results on monday. Everything's been cast in stone so I guess that, whatever will be, will be. But we still panic cause it's like some kind of human need!!

This has become a place I really, really love.

2011-01-04T19:16:00.000-08:00

Don't know what to feel anymore.

Why are some guys just so brainless?

2011-01-03T02:26:00.000-08:00

Catch you when you fall,

Or teach you how to fly.

It's 2011! Third day!

Hahaha but there's nothing much to be happy about because it just means that results are coming out in two weeks - or less! -Horror music plays- I think my hands will be trembling so much I won't be able to hold the results slip properly. HAHA.

Nevertheless, I'm assuming new year = new start! Will have to meet new people and step out of my comfort zone and take initiative again though /: well it'll always be quite tough at first I guess. I still rmb how antisocial I was the first day I stepped into Cedar and then everybody in the school seemed totally mad to me cause they were cheering like there was no tomorrow... and then I saw yujie and tehlian for the first time and yujie looked super bu shuang all the time back then btw! HAHAH. But that's all in the past now I guess. ): Now it's time for a new school, and new experiences. Why am I not looking forward to it though? Hahaha I miss 2010 leh.

My yamapi drama marathon is finally approaching completion! His acting's really pretty bad in Code Blue, I cringed everytime he looked at his nails - like what, hello, how many times do you want to check them in one episode?? HAHA. He was the best in Proposal Daisakusen, that drama is worth rewatching ten times and more. NWP too. Next up will be Atashinchi no Danshi and Himitsu! Horikita Maki and Shida Mirai dramas. Haha yaye! End of crazy rave.

Had retreat the past two days! :D

There's smth v thrilling about being up in the wee hours of the morning, knowing that there're still people sitting in the campsite parade square talking and playing games. Hahaha! Loved the night walk though it was pretty scary haha all the screaming that ensued even before entering the room, and people attacking the cupboard whenever the senior inside whammed the door open. Plus eating chicken rice at 3am in the morning! And yaye for screaming techniques during captain's ball haha!

Solemn moments, new realisations, awkward situations, contradictions. I realise that it really annoys me when people do the exact opposite of what they say. Why do they bother? Does it really matter, honestly. Inconsiderate, insensitive, immature, dishonesty. It no longer has any effect on my mood. Haha, it's your life, your freedom. I now have a different purpose, no need to feel disappointed anymore.

Off to do something else! Can't wait to meet saranya and tehlian and the people I haven't seen for so long really really soon!

2010-12-31T10:27:00.000-08:00

Can't text you like I did exactly one year ago. Wish I hadn't lost your number. Hm, ):

Never thought the last few hours of 2010 would be spent laughing like mad, thanks to two crazy people, "And tear up the metaphorical banner representing our 4 years of friendship, eat it then vomit it in your face" HAHAHA.

Happy new year earthlings,

It's a brand new start, all over again!

2010-12-30T07:16:00.000-08:00

Just drifting along with the world
Every motion is paranoid and paralyzing
Give it up or give 'em hope
Let us all survive the wake
We, we're a race, a human race
Under the glass behind it all
Watch us crawl so fearfully
I might be wrong after all
But weren't we just so delicate yesterday
Sit back and think about it
Sleep it off, sleep on it
Come to, and make your motions
Listen up
There's a calling ahead
A desperation
A falling of man
We are all lost in the sound of separation
Hands in the air and love at our sides
There's gotta be something bigger
With the beating in our throats
And the tremble in our grip
This can't be it
I'll come up for peace
I'll come down for truth
I'll give in, I'll give up for you
The floors are shaking
And we've lost our step
Oh Lord, have mercy on us all

And tonight I've realised just how alone I really am, in this world.

2010-12-29T08:57:00.000-08:00

I can't figure anything out.
Nor comprehend these thoughts running through my mind.

2010-12-28T01:13:00.000-08:00

The best people in our lives.

2010-12-27T06:14:00.000-08:00

Yujie says:
HAIYA
im damn sick of all these nonsense
argh
haha
the best friends are still, you, saranya, dhivya, tehlian
really man ♥

Truest words ever spoken.

*STANDING OVATION!!!!!*

2010-12-26T02:49:00.000-08:00

We're parallels in the runway of wobbling stars.

Really feel like locking myself up somewhere with no means of communication.

Why must everything be expressed in words?

I want to rip my heart out and throw it away somewhere.

Can't eat, can't sleep.

"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy"

2010-12-24T01:18:00.000-08:00

First time at Orchard Road on Christmas Eve.

2010-12-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

I have zero respect for you.

People who do not respect others, do not deserve to be respected.

Cheers.

2010-12-22T09:55:00.000-08:00

I want you always to remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like this?”
— Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

2010-12-21T08:22:00.000-08:00

The door was open. True, she didn’t exactly open it herself. Her butler opened it for her. His name is Boredom. She said, ‘Boredom, fetch me a plaything.’ He said, ‘Very good ma’am,’ and putting on his white gloves so that the fingerprints would not show he tapped at my heart and I thought he said his name was Love.

2010-12-20T19:16:00.000-08:00

1. Stacking and carrying of chairs

2. Yujie's kiasu sense of urgency

3. Running after groups all over Pulau Ubin literally

4. Sarah and jason's scandalous ways and hz sir making them finish bread in one bite

5. Tripping over saris, mad serving of food during Cultural Night

6. Soyeon's epic complaining when she feels annoyed HAHA and her zao!

7. The struggle not to fall asleep during debriefs

8. SK comments

9. Getting sunburnt after getting fried by the sun at Sentosa

10. CV #11 FINISH YOUR FOOD!

11. The weird jokes

12. Tying knots I haven't tied in two years

13. Campfire night: The shawty like a melody song which made us miss saranya ): the madness, running about like headless chickens

14. Falling asleep at the elephant show at the zoo

15. Us finally finding out what happens after HQ events!

16. The bunks, the canteen, the area behind the canteen, the rooms

17. Bimbotic OH YEAHHH

I miss RCYC more than words can describe man sigh sucks.

2010-12-16T02:12:00.000-08:00

RCYC tmr.

2010-12-15T02:53:00.000-08:00

After that day when I saw the elephant, I let myself see more and believe more. It was a game I played with myself. When I told Alma the things I saw she would laugh and tell me she loved my imagination. For her I changed pebbles into diamonds, shoes into mirrors, I changed glass into water, I gave her wings and pulled birds from her ears and in her pockets she found feathers, I asked a pear to become a pineapple, a pineapple to become a lightbulb, a lightbulb to become a moon, and the moon to become a coin I flipped for her love, both sides were heads: I knew I couldn’t lose.

And now, at the end of my life, I can barely tell the difference between what is real and what I believe. For example, this letter in my hand – I can feel it between my fingers. The paper is smooth, except in the creases. I can unfold it, and fold it again. As certain as I am sitting here now, this letter exists.

And yet.

In my heart, I know my hand is empty.

Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality.

Something I ought to keep in mind, always. And I need to become stronger, more resistant to criticism, to unpleasant situation, to negative feelings. In a way, I think this entire programme has really made me stronger, and yet in a way, weaker at the same time. But I've gained many things. Especially the strength to just (according to the Bravo shirt) Keep Calm, and Carry On. Even if you've messed up really badly, all you can do is to just stay cool and keep going. Haha, seriously.

Ought to do something about my self worth issues though.

I'm sorry to the people I've hurt for the past two nights. /:

I don't want anything to change, and yet - the only constant in life is change. How long can this hold out? I'm so tired alrd. It's tough to form relationships, but it's even harder to maintain them. You wish you could understand people more, you wish you weren't hurt so easily. We all want to be loved and needed, that's nothing but a fact. But how many of us are strong enough for that? Awh, I'm sure I don't make sense at all.

Hello you, yeah, isn't it weird how we can say such horrible things to each other at times, but our friendship never really changes in a big way? I really love how I can tell you anything under the sun, things I can't bring myself to tell anyone else, and how I know that no matter what happens, you'll be there? And I'll be there too. I love you too friend.♥

I feel quite bad for saying this for some reason but I can't wait to see you in a few days. It's the only bright spot I see now.

2010-12-14T08:35:00.001-08:00

And suddenly VIP camp's over.

Too many things happened so guess I won't bother writing it all down here.

Relationships, friendships, all so fragile, so reliant on trust.

I want us to stay close friends.

Thank you, to the people who're always there for me during all the ups and downs, (:

My heart actually skipped a beat when I saw your name, this is quite bad /:

2010-12-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

You're my inspiration for everything I do.

Wherever you are, I hope you're safe, and happy.

2010-12-08T07:46:00.001-08:00

"We all work so hard because we want to be needed."

"I'm jealous of those expectations people have of you."

"Humans want to cling on to something when they're lonely."

Man, there are so many good quotes in Code Blue that I can relate directly to.

But it's kind of sad, in a way.

2010-12-08T00:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, it gets tiring to deal with people, and accusations.

Sometimes I really love being alone with only my thoughts to keep me company.

Is that weird?

I've got mosquito bites all over my legs thanks to yesterday.

Camp on friday, I'm no longer mentally prepared.

Tired of being judged, really.

2010-12-07T20:13:00.000-08:00

"There... isn't anything good about life, is there?"

2010-12-05T08:43:00.000-08:00

My favourite part in the whole of Buzzer Beat, besides KeikoPi chemistry (which made up for all the plot loopholes in this dorama). And by part, I mean the signboard hahaha.

"Love makes me strong."

2010-12-04T07:21:00.000-08:00

The chorus is just heartbreaking. Everything about this song is beautiful, but in an, incredibly depressing way.

Everything remains the same here. Giving up on this, seriously. This has done nothing but to intensify my inferiority feelings, to the point that, I feel like I'm hollow inside every night. All this effort, for what? I'm done with trying, really.

Just give up already.

Sometimes I really don't believe in anything anymore.

"苦しい中で今を生きている

今を生きている"

2010-11-26T05:55:00.000-08:00

Madness at yj's house today. I like to lie in her bed and hug her bear! HAHA. And then dashing off to Toys 'R' Us in novena with sarah ang flying so fast it wouldn't have been surprising to see wings sprouting on her back!

Really can't believe it's tmr. Well anyway, here goes. /:
I hope you're alright friend ):

2010-11-25T07:08:00.001-08:00

- says:

why you listening song from yamashita

isnt he head

dead*

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHA OH GOD

2010-11-25T05:29:00.001-08:00

Today = happy day (:

2010-11-24T07:46:00.000-08:00

Immersing oneself in fandom helps to block out unpleasant feelings.

But sadly it doesn't last long at all - the little bit of happiness obtained from drowning in happy pop songs. Just denial, really. As soon as the song ends, all you're left with is a heavy heart.

But at least this makes me feel happy. Even if it's only for 3 minutes and 48 seconds.

Goodnight world.

2010-11-23T05:32:00.000-08:00

This ALWAYS makes me go LOLOLOLOL HAHHAAHA and I have no idea why. Anyway life is boring, but I'm happy! (: If you're happy and you know it clap your hands~

2010-11-22T23:37:00.000-08:00

Hello bello, I'm just going to spazz freely about what I finished watching recently.

“Human beings look for reasons when things don’t go well. The circumstances, the timing, the weather, and the luck. They use all these excuses to console themselves. “It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this.” “If only I could go back and do it all over again…” Will it really turn out well if you get to do it all over again? Since they failed the first time, where did that confidence of success for the second time around come from?”

PROPOSAL DAISAKUSEN

Also known as Operation Love. No, words, can describe how much I love and adore this drama, like to bits and pieces, molecules and atoms. Seriously, and this is coming from someone who doesn't like the romance genre, I shall have to reconsider that and omg can I just say how much I miss watching it alrd ): Totally deserved its Best Drama award, Best Theme Song, Best Everything la huh.

(The only drama I probably love more is Nobuta Wo Produce, but of course that's the best j-drama of all time ever that I've ever watched in my life so obviously, nothing can beat that, because Shuuji + Nobuta + Akira = invincible yo)

The video just sums up everything about the drama. Really, I think this was the only drama I could just, sit there and literally cry non-stop while watching it. Especially episode 9, it was a killer. But I liked the coffee milk quest in one of the first few episodes the most haha, and also the second button episode. I know nobody knows what I'm talking about. OMG AWESOMENESS TYPING ALL THIS STUFF MAKES ME WANT TO WATCH IT AGAIN!!!!!11

And of course this had the best ending in the SP. But actually the whole thing is really just sad for us people living in the Cold Harsh Real World, because there's just no way, NO WAY, you can go back in time to fix your mistakes, or confess to the person you love, cause that's just reality baby. Oh but all the philosophy stuff in the series was enjoyable. Also, a fairy that doesn't look like Tinkerbell, or isn't even remotely female, was refreshing to see!

Favourite scene in every episode:

"Hallelujah, CHANCE! NOOOOOOOO"

I miss yujie ): bet she's sad in HK now cause she doesn't like shopping nyehhehe.

And one year ago, at this time of the year, WE WERE HAVING THE TIME OF OUR LIVES IN BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, PERAK. Oh wonderful life, where did you go?? I am so jealous of the people who went for the overseas trip this year, wo yao go dragonboating tooz. Wai o wai.

Btw my life now consists of insomnia, eating, eating, reading tumblr, reading harry potter, freaking out over O level results next year, going downstairs for the occasional jog, going out occasionally, eating, eating... what are the chances of me gaining 5kg by January 2011? Siriusly?

Oh I forgot that I watch drama as well. Well. I seem to have lost quite a bit of interest in anime. ):

2010-11-22T05:52:00.000-08:00

I'm back to Bleach!
I feel like I'm back where I belong - HAHAHHA.

2010-11-21T08:45:00.000-08:00

I've been so lazy to blog recently but:

Yamapi will tour Asia in early 2011 and release a solo album

Tomohisa Yamashita (25) said he wants people in Asia to see a Japanese popstar who can sing and dance in his first overseas solo tour covering five cities, it was revealed yesterday, reports Sports Hochi, Daily Sports, Sankei Sports, and Sponichi Annex.

The star will go on a 4-month tour starting in Hong Kong on January 29, before moving onto Taipei, Busan, Seoul, Bangkok by April 24, then move into Tokyo by May 10. The tour will include five more venues in Japan, totalling 10 cities and 27 concerts. It will be the biggest number of overseas venues a Johnny’s artist has performed at to date, and is expected to attract more than 230,000 fans.

“I’m going to do things like fly, I want to make it a huge performance that will show people the power of Johnny’s,” Yamashita said.

It has been reported that Yamashita had become interested in performing overseas after his group NEWS had performed in Taiwan three years ago.

“I wanted to meet people outside of Japan, but it’s been hard because Japan’s an island country so we’re quite isolated.

“The internet has made it easier to keep in touch with things overseas,” he said.

While the star is widely known overseas through his dramas and fans call him by his nickname ‘Yamapi’, Yamashita has said he is nervous about how people will take him in as a solo artist.

Johnny’s & Associates president Johnny Kitagawa has been reported to have agreed with Yamashita that his shows need to be nothing short of amazing.

It has been reported that there will be slight variations in Yamashita’s concerts depending on the venue, and the star has said he is not afraid of going up against Korean popstars who have been overtaking Asia recently.

“I want to throw in a few traditional things like Japanese sword fighting, and basically show everyone something that only Japan’s Johnny’s can do,” he said.

While Yamashita has been doing occasional solo work away from NEWS, next year’s tour will be the longest he has ever been away from the group.

“I want people to see me sing and dance. I’ve started to re-learn the basics of dancing, I’ve got three dance coaches to help me, and I want choreograph some sequences as well,” he said.

It has been reported that Yamashita said watching fellow Johnny’s star Jin Akanishi (26) embark on a solo US tour had given him motivation.

“I hope we can motivate each other. We never talk about work but I did call him up to say, ‘have fun’,” he said.

Yamashita also said he would like to perform in the US, but has assured fans he will not be leaving NEWS.

“I’ll keep working with NEWS. Please don’t worry. I think they’ll come see me (in concert),” he said.

Before his tour, however, the star will also release his first solo album in January 2011. A title has not been formally released, but it has been reported that many of the songs will be sung in his upcoming concerts, including English songs and songs written by Yamashita himself.

“I want to perform songs that are different from the typical Japanese music culture and are more club scene, R’n'B songs,” he said.

The singer is the third Johnny’s talent to go on a solo overseas tour, following on from Masahiko Kondo (46)　and Akanishi.

(Source: http://momoedgewood.wordpress.com)

Yes. Amazing words in bold. 'Nuff said, siriusly.
You go, JE idols.

VIP in less than a week.

2010-11-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

"Those who say they'll do it tomorrow are idiots."

Oh hi, freedom's getting a bit stale! I almost wish I could do some maths. Omg did I just say that?

The failed shopping trip yesterday was hilaaariousss. Imagine three dodos walking through bugis street, squeezing past all the people, three dodos who have absolutely no, idea, how, to, shop!! HAHAHA. As a result we had to force marilyn to become our tour guide, but we still didn't buy anything. Ended up going across to iluma - and guess what was discovered... HARRY POTTER EXHIBITION. Okay, it wasn't much of an exhibition at all, it was just a room. But a very cool room it was so yes it was awesome!

Also visited a few shops. There was this stuffed dog which sings if you press its paw, which yujie did! And the dog suddenly burst out singing super loudly and she grabbed the dog and went SHH!! AHAHAHA EPIC TTM HAHAHA. Another stuffed dog would shake its leg and some silly whistling music would play when its leg gets pressed, we got a good laugh out of the whole thing, HAHA. Got to see and touch cosplay costumes too! Really really pretty, hehe.

Oh but comics connection was just plain annoying. It's like bombarded with kpop stuff, does japan not exist? TSK.

Ended up eating some random snacks at BK and going home cause our legs died from the non-stop (and very unproductive too) walking, haha.
-

I think my recent j-dorama marathon deserves its own post! Byebye.

2010-11-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I DIED LAUGHING AT THIS

2010-11-12T06:21:00.000-08:00

Oh hi I kind of forgot how to blog alrd, deleted the previous posts cause I felt like it. HAHA. Anw never thought I'd live to see this day! The feeling you get when you step out of the stupid hall after your last paper is just surreal. Like you'll be thinking, nothing can take away this feeling today! NOTHING! Or at least for me. Do I make sense? Like I said, I forgot how to blog properly so might sound v incoherent ):

Spent my time watching this:

And amazingly I'm done, with all eleven episodes. I thought this would be a really perverted comedy from all the comments I've read about it but I braved it cause it was a yamapi drama after all HAHA. Turns out that, yes it really is very full of inneundos and suggestive situations, and even three really bad scenes which I skipped to avoid awkwardness, sheesh. Kids should stay away from this drama, I wonder what the rating is man. Eh but despite all of that it was one of the best and most hilarious dramas I've ever seen, all the spasticity and madness made up for the rubbishy parts. Oh and plus the cast was good.

Talked to people on msn for the first time in a million years!! I want to party with food at yujie's house! You know I think in the end we'll end up not doing anything exciting cause we're just boring like that. Except saranya, she claims she's not boring but she's boring, too, actually. We're just born with the boring gene. HAHAHHAHAA. Oh hey, we have the 'boring' dominant alleles! The fun part of us is the recessive allele! That's why, no matter what our genotypes are, it all shows up in our phenotypes! Bio overload. Ah, they didn't test us on inheritance in the MCQ today, why? I like that chapter!

Omg, I cannot even begin to describe the joy of being able to sit at my computer (it is so beautiful, how come I never noticed it before!?), and enjoy the sounds of typing on a keyboard! And the weirdest thing, your mom doesn't nag you and you feel kind of strange, like, why am I not studying? "I know I don't have to study anymore, but it feels odd- no more studying!!" Awesome ttm. Must relish simple pleasures in life! Likeee thinking about how O levels ARE OVER OVER OVER OVER okay enough hahahaha. From now on, (and from monday onwards too!), we will be able to:

1. Listen to music without any guilt. AT ALL. YES, blast your jpop, your jrock, your kpop, american pop, your english, malay, chinese, tamil, french, spanish, russian songs! Go international, broaden your horizons!! (O levels has permanently fried my brain cells)

2. Use the computer whenever you want, and not to check for ss/history model essays on the LMS, but to go on facebook, msn, blogs, watch your dramas and anime (feel the joy), and to basically, engage in major aimless procrastination.

3. Go out whenever you want. 'Nuff said. (Err, actually, case in doubt... parent factor?)

4. SLEEP. FOR AS LONG, AS YOU WANT. Six hours, eight, twelve, twenty-four (haha). No more dreams about exams, only dreams about - well whatever you want to dream about haha. And omg, no more last-minute revision in your head for whatever exam you might have the next day before you fall asleep!!

5. FREEDOM YO FREEDOM!!!!

I'm so tired but I don't feel like sleepinggg.
Goodbye!

Oh don't really want to go for AFA anymore, cosplay's kind of frightening to see sometimes and I don't really want any merchandise for now ):

Hey hey hey, O LEVELS ARE OVERRR!!

2010-09-26T01:50:00.000-07:00

Hiatus till 12 November.
Till then.

Bai.
(If you catch me back here, SLAP ME.)

2010-09-22T06:26:00.000-07:00

Two words were all I needed.
But no.

Every single day, is a struggle.

2010-09-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick of being categorized as stupid.
I wish I was smart and I wish I could do maths without struggling I wish people would stop telling me about how they won't get into so-and-so JC because their prelim 2 l1r5 is "only" 9, 10, or 11 and I wish I could memorise geog by just looking at it and I wish I wouldn't feel sleepy in class and I wish I had the discipline to study for long hours without getting distracted and I wish I was a single pointer.

I miss you telling me about how you'd send your minions after me whenever I refused to sleep. I still rmb the time you held on to my arm to keep me from falling in the bus, I miss you lecturing me about how I should be less clumsy. Miss our long bus rides, miss our long talks, miss your spaghetti, miss our 2am msgs and I miss being close to you. It feels strange to even wave to you now.

2010-09-18T01:52:00.000-07:00

After the five days of unadulterated torture, I'm mighty grateful for the people I have around me.

Actions speak louder than words. Well, yeah. What hurts more is that I think I used to be important to you. But it's okay, everything happens for a reason. I'm just glad you've found someone you really love. Actually, I kind of knew it would happen one day- just didn't think you'd forget me.

Sick, sick of feeling inferior. Can't seem to do anything right? I'd say redcross has messed up my self esteem in a really huge way, but there's no way I can say I regret joining it and truly mean it, 'cause we'll never find the same kind of camaraderie anywhere else. In the past, while some people from other ccas would complain about having to attend cca sessions, we'd stuff our books and worksheets into bags and run off to fill our coke bottles because, trngs were the sole reason why we put up with school.

And while sometimes I really hate Cedar for it's blatant discrimination against people who aren't in classes CHAM, I can't deny that in a way I still love it cause you'll never meet people who're just as enthusiastic, crazy and just plain spastic in a good way as most of the people in this school. I don't think 9 Oct will change anything cause, in a way, nobody truly becomes an ex-Cedarian. I think that somehow, we all remain Cedarians in our hearts- the people who think it's perfectly fine to strip in class cause going to the toilet to change is too troublesome.

For now, my life revolves around GCE O levels, so say goodbye, life starts after the damned exams. Accio 15 November, please.

Who are you living for?
As these gloomy days pass by,
How much weakness and pain do you feel?

Even if you’re lost in an unsatisfying past
And today doesn’t live up to the day you pictured in your dreams

(The stars that shine before dawn,
Have they disappeared?
Or have they gone on to tomorrow?)

Tomorrow never knows
It's happy line
-It's Happy Line, YUI

2010-09-14T01:56:00.000-07:00

Tired of feeling useless, worthless.

2010-09-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

"YOU MAKE ME HAPPY WHEN SKIES ARE GREYYYYY"
"YOU NEVER KNOW DEAR HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUUUUUUU"
"PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY SUNSHINE AWAYYY"

HAHAHA awh you make me smile ♥
-

Selamat Hari Raya! I also want to celebrate man! ):

2010-09-08T09:10:00.000-07:00

Build bridges, not walls.

At some point in your life, you will meet someone that make you go crazy over them at first sight. You catch your breath when you look at them, you get butterflies in your stomach. You feel yourself blushing and your head spinning when they speak to you, and your knees involuntarily go weak when they look at you straight in the eyes. You want to find out more about them, you wish they would notice you. And everything about them is perfect to you; their hair, their eyes, the way they talk, the way they smile, the way they laugh, the profanities they may utter at times, the way they carry themselves - stop right there. What do you really know about them, as a person? Nothing much, most of the time. What you feel, is merely attraction, albeit intense.

And the reason why I was able to type the above paragraph out within five minutes was because every single word there relates to me. I think I've done some growing up tonight, hm. My heart no longer skips several beats when I hear, say, or type that someone's name. It seems so many months ago since I suffered a mini heart attack when he/she msged me. I don't feel anything anym, and I'm glad. I think learning to let go, is truly a therapeutic experience.

For the first time in my life today, I cried reading a blog, not because I felt my own pain, but because I felt like someone else was in pain. Hello, my dear friend, it hurts so much to know that, there were some nights that you were so down, and I wasn't there for you. No, I just continued chattering about my usual rubbish, didn't I? /: I just want you to know that I will always, always be here for you, be it 2am, 3am, I don't care what time- if you ever need someone, you'll only have to call. Life might be so damn tough sometimes, what with all the crap and unhappiness and misunderstandings, to the point that it's unbearable, to the point that you're on the brink of collapse and you just want to cry and scream- but if it's of any comfort to you at all, you'll always have me. Jiayou dearie<3

2010-09-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TEHLIAN THE AWESOME!!

2010-09-05T23:28:00.000-07:00

"Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours."

Sometimes I wish you trusted me just a little more.

2010-09-05T00:37:00.000-07:00

I love UVERworld.

2010-09-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

Hope is the last to die.

FAC 2010 came and went in a flash. I don't know anything about being involved in this competition but it still hurt unbelievably. All I can say is this: Even if I wasn't from Cedar, I'd still say that the team's performance was, without a doubt, one of the best ones. And anyone who disagrees must be sadly, visually challenged to an alarmingly large extent. The ones in 36 were true winners. That is all.

Upon spotting an awesome car convex mirror!

Squadmates¹
-noun

1. The people who smile and mean it. The ones who give unconditionally without expecting anything in return, the ones who do things without a motive. The ones steadfast in support of what they believe in. The people who care and will never pretend otherwise. The ones who speak from their hearts - and not merely empty, hypocritical words.

"And that which my lips know they shall speak sincerely."

Someone owes me a million hugs! Thankyou for always putting up with my rubbish (:

2010-09-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

"Nothing lasts though you want it to."

Teachers' day celebrations on tuesday: the last, and also the best, haha yaye!

Yesterday was pretty fun despite the horror of flying newspapers. Haha I'll never forget how the canteen looked after the wind was done blowing okay. It was just filled with grey crumpled papers and the school uncle just stood there and laughed at us. HAHA.

Jc talks were informative, but rather /: in a way. A l1r5 of below 10 seems more distant than ever, to me. Don't even know where on earth I'll be this time, 54 perhaps? Never wanted academic achievements this badly, but look at my standard now. Yippee.

Pretty much hit rock bottom last night. Struggling with so many different negative thoughts all at once, it's a wonder people don't just implode when too many emotions are pent-up inside them, you know. And it hurts the worst when you realise that you're alone, and that nobody gives a damn whether you're miserable or not. I swear, that no other feeling could ever beat that feeling of worthlessness, like you don't matter, you're not needed, you're not loved, you're not at all important, and words from you are just words - that don't mean a thing to anyone. That you aren't trusted, not in the least, and you're always regarded as someone with no sense of self-respect, a cheating liar. It feels like you're being torn apart, literally, on the inside; and you know so well that nobody would save you even if they could, cause why would they want to.

"The other day my sister told me she didn’t believe in love. Something expected from a girl who has been left to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders alone, who is certain that she will slip into bed with no one to sleep beside her. A girl who’s heart never fully heals before it is broken and mangled again. I sat there surprised, sad almost because she is none of those things. She is a pre-teen girl whom at times, follows a path that is crooked—yet still, she has never let anyone hold her heart long enough to be let down or know what if feels like to have acid living in your chest.

The scars she keeps are nothing more than tiny traces caused by minuscule bumps in the road—they are soft, pink and pale. Not like the scars some of us are forced to carry inside out clenched fists: red and raw, if we touch something too hard for too long, they sting. You’re young, that’s when you’re supposed to believe in love the most, I remember thinking. That’s how it is for most of us, or at least for me.

We become obsessed with the characters played on the large screens, envious, because we wanted to be loved—we wanted every piece of ourselves to be desired. We wanted someone to memorize the lines in our palms, to notice the tiny beauty marks that scatter across our skin, to tell us how many eyelashes we have because we never bothered to count.

Then we get older and we realize how flawed love can be. We care too much, or not enough. We give everything, but there’s nothing for us to take in return. We become broken, pillows soaked in salted water. We talk to walls because you’re not there to listen anymore. We rub the sleep from our eyes and see reality for the first time, we come to the conclusion that nobody really stays together anymore.

Somehow I feel like maybe I never grew up, because I can still feel it there. Love does wonderful things, even if some of us never get the chance to experience it, for a fleeting moment if we stood still long enough, we can feel it shake our limbs. When I dream, I see stars. I can feel them, brush over them with my fingertips and sometimes they even get stuck in the dark tangles of my hair. But when I wake up, I can still feel their glow in my veins, that maybe the sparks of light exist inside of me and that I had it all along. I don’t know, I think regardless of whether one believes in love or not, we still have that glimmer living inside of us—proof that it is concrete, even if only briefly, even if we don’t always see it or believe it is there. We always hope. Maybe that means that most of us never really grow up at all, that maybe we just pretend to."

To be honest, it's hard to believe in anything right now.

2010-08-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

After almost six months I'm talking to you again at 1.45AM.
Should I be happy? /:

2010-08-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

With sarah tan and marilyn yesterday, finally! Was excited ttm! Went walking around before that, and going crazy over anime merchandise and exploring shops was really fun man! Felt like stealing everything in the otaku house ): real zanpakutos and cosplay costumes, it was like paradise! HAHA marilyn and I would try to move away discreetly whenever sarah started shrieking OMG NARUTO or OMG TOY STORY HAHAHA.

Can you believe that despite coming like more than two hours early, we got lousy seats?! HAHA it was a sold out show even though it's been screening for more than two weeks alrd. The movie was really awesome, plot twists were completely unexpected most of the time, you'll be like shoots what's going to happen now and you end up trying to read all the characters' expressions in an attempt to figure out what they're thinking. Mind-boggling. Ending was sweet awhh, maybe cause matsuda shota and toda erika are both hot and when two hot people don't become tgt at the end of a movie it's v annoying. HAHAH. I found it so amusing that the bad guy in the end was - the weird school doctor from the japanese version of hana kimi, who's, like, err, gay. HAHA.

And here, I need to say that you don't have to even know what liar game's about to watch the movie, and you can understand it perfectly even if it's in a different language. You're really missing out on a lot if you don't watch it just because it's not a mainstream movie okay! Then again, my viewpoint might be a little biased.

Anw this means the end of yet another good series ):

No school tmr! HEHE. Life's good, at least for now - which will be a very short 'now' if you know what I mean HAHAHA. Still, like yujie said, "Think of the kids in africa who don't have anything to eat or drink! So be glad you have your textbooks!"

Confused. I don't know how to reply to your texts anym, cause if you need to talk about yourself so much that you ignore everything I say, why don't you get a diary? Diaries won't tell you about their feelings and you can talk about yourself all day long. What do you take me for. But you still matter to me so much. I'm just too stupid, eh?

"Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around in it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it.

But for some of us, there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know."

And yet - we are still waiting, still afraid to confess to those we love, or reluctant to express our feelings, unwilling to seize opportunities. Still holding back. All fearful of rejection and failure. Can't overcome it.

2010-08-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

Face to face,

And a thousand miles apart.

And tonight I finally realised that, I will never, truly get over you.
Finally succeeding, but never completely.
You made me fall too hard for you.
One or two years, makes no difference.

Goodnight world.

2010-08-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

Rmb that this was the small bag rugaiyah always brought everywhere HAHAHAHAH.

-HAPPILY OPENS PENCIL CASE
TEHLIAN SO CUTE!!

"Want fight is it!"

Those were the days.

2010-08-22T01:24:00.000-07:00

Too tired and upset to think anym.

2010-08-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

And they say that a hero could save us.

Well, my fellow poor, tragic souls, who may happen to be stuck in the same subject combination as me (which also happens to be pretty much the worst one besides double science/physics/pure geog),

We have completed eleven papers. In six days.
Yes. Eleven.

And those hours we spend in that hall killing our arm muscles rushing to finish papers, feverishly muttering to ourselves like deranged kids, are the EXACT hours people spend in some other parts of singapore preparing to watch YOG, which is ONCE IN A LIFETIME, and the exact hours other people are getting to see athletes (from japan, but that's beside the point), and basically what I want to say is that everyone, everyone in singapore is enjoying the most unique experience of their lives cause I don't think singapore will ever host YOG again while we are mugging our heads off everyday-

Btw, did I mention that the stupid freezing hall feels like there're Dementors swarming all over the place, cause I get the feeling that my hope and happiness and dreams get drained away from me when I'm in there. Especially during amath, I genuinely felt as though I would just faint right there and then.

-anyway, this is a great, great injustice. Let me see. YOG is on 14-26 August. And our prelim duration? 13-27 August. What a coincidence! I'm sure they didn't mean to make us miss YOG, of course not.

Ha, ha. ):

Sick of lack of sleep, of mugging the moment an exam ends, of studying, studying, endless studying. Not even studying, it's more of cramming facts into your head that'll you forget as soon as you don't have to rmb it anym. Like someone said to me today, "For example I can tell you, methanol reacts with- whatever, like, wow... that's really going to help me in my life."

Five more papers. And then we're left with less than ten weeks to O levels and approximately a month to graduation. ):

I'm surprised I survived this week, goodbye, life sucks right now but I have to hang in there.

Thanks for all the encouragement dear <3

2010-08-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

Have a great day ahead (:

2010-08-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHA.

2010-08-11T02:43:00.000-07:00

嫌われているような気がしてた帰り道
見上げた部屋の灯り今　どんな気持ちでいるのだろう?

涙色声が聞こえない夜は
困らせてしまうほどわがままになりたい

大丈夫そう言って見たけど
そんな筈ないでしょ

水たまりに映る悲しい顔見慣れている
ムリ言わないつもりわかってるから苦しくなるの

大丈夫何てまた訊くけど
そんな筈ないでしょ・・・

/Revelations.

2010-08-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

Nil Sine Labore.

2010-08-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

Watching NDP this year brought back so many memories. I rmb the Bus 1 and Bus 2 thing! Suntec convention hall and the dusty chairs, how we spread out tissue papers on the chairs to keep our uniforms clean and how we later got laughed at (HAHA). The fattening KFC and pizza hut meals and macs breakfast on 9th august? Haha, or sometimes it was gross rice with gross stuff. "Poor girl, she's sitting in bed at home, eating medicine with her beret on her head." Oh and I rmb how they'd always laugh at us when we refused to take our berets off, HAHAHA.

Marching out to the waiting area, with annoying people who'd keep stepping on your boots like it's compulsory to do so hahaha tskkk. Fruit candy!! Standing on the platform waiting for the four songs to finish and trying to ignore the fact that your knees are like going to break any moment. The opening of umbrellas and the flying of berets. And seeing the flying aeroplanes always made it worth all the effort for me. And how we'd always be looking out for that SAF guy whose surname was MEOW, HAHA omg epic to the very max man.

The walks back to the bus, the cheers on the bus and highing whenever fireworks were spotted somewhere. The banana cheer, and our angel and mortal gifts. And we still had to sit up dead straight for debrief even it would be like 9pm alrd! And rmb when we attempted to start a cheer and everyone was like errr okayyy HAHHA, and how we went mad on the last day and the whole world thought we were out of our minds cause normally we'd look as though people owe us money HAHA.

Oh man, miss all of it ):

National day was spent with someone awesome! HAHAHA YAYE.
-

(Prelims in a few more days, thanks a whole lot la huh)

2010-08-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

"A narrow mind and a fat head invariably come on the same person."
- Zig Ziglar

Unlocked my blog because I've decided that I don't care.

You can think and do whatever you want now, nobody will stop you. Have fun being a horrible person. Let me tell you though, if you can do as you please, others can do so as well. And don't you dare to even think about stopping them. Or were you under the impression that only your opinion matters? Love or hate, it's still an obsession.

By the way, did you know?

My greatest wish right now is to have my right hand make contact with your face in a resounding good slap.

2010-08-06T02:58:00.000-07:00

“The human heart dares not stay away too long from that which hurt it most. There is a return journey to anguish that few of us are released from making.”

4th August
Was just awesome (: thankyou tehlian yujie saranya dhivya and shixian for the bras (HAHAHA YAY COLOURS), yujie for the letter, w for the super sweet board and sunflower (it hasn't died yet hoho i'm such a good flower mother right!), w charmaine and charlene for the funny morning (HAHA) and photos and charmaine again for the jigsaw puzzle photo thingy, sarah a for the cup, carene for the twelve combs (everyone just burst out laughing when I opened it HAHAH), my parents for the watch and my brother for the blue earpiece, to the people who made my day, the wishes and the msgs and the hugs, hehe yaye!

Unexpected surprises really melt your heart, (:

To all those born after me, I is sixteens nao, be jealous! HAHA. Actually I'd like to stay fourteen though, 2008 just held such better days.

-

Of drumbeats, adrenalising footsteps, of pride, tears and bittersweet emotions.
Of broken hearts, ticking clocks, fighting back angst.

Sat up waiting. Even at 11.59PM, I was waiting.
Stood there wondering. The circle closed.

Irreversible hurt, have you ever heard...?

I really don't understand why. You're impossibly selfish. Don't even think I'll possess the strength to even look at you if you appear next month, lost track of the number of times you've done this to me. Then again, you probably won't be there. You have your future, you don't need your past anym, right? So much for feelings, so much for words, promises, why do I not hate you.

To all those feeling sad tonight, sleep on it.
Tomorrow, the sun will still shine for you and me.

2010-08-02T02:15:00.000-07:00

Anyone who thinks Yamashita Tomohisa isn't worth perpetual worship, is just kidding themselves.
YAMAPI BANZAI, JPOP BANZAI.

Bai, time for math.
(Today was a weird day)

2010-07-31T01:18:00.000-07:00

Garden of Eden.

Yujie told us this story yesterday:
Yall know there was this very old ex-ma'am that came for fdc right! Yah she came to ask me do you know what's cedar's number? Cause I was wearing school uniform what. And I thought she was someone from another school so I said "I dunno, sorry, I'm not from redcross." Then later she came and asked me again, do you know what's cedar's number? And I was like, "I really don't know, sorry." After a while I asked her, "Are you a mother of anyone?" And she laughed and said no. So I was like then why you want to know cedar's number? She said oh actually I was from redcross. Then I was like, "Am I supposed to address you as ma'am??"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I hope she won't kill me for posting this but this seriously made my day HAHAHAHA. Oh and,

Saranya: Oxygen acidic or alkaline ah?
YJ: You imagine la, you breathe in acid everyday??

HAHHA omg funny maxxx.
-

Last sports day in cedar was ruined, it just rained all the way. All the madness like dancing and singing on the grandstand made up for it though, HAHA. To think we were like so scared of running for nothing. Charmaine was running about scaring people with the fake cockroach borrowed from her junior! Hahaha sarah ang's reaction was the best man, she stared at the cockroach blankly for two seconds before screaming hysterically HAHAH. The weather was awesome, until it started raining heavily, haha. Still, it was sad to see the disappointed faces.
-

Release date changed to 12 august - which is also one day before the start of prelims. Awesome. This must be life's birthday present to me ): I want matsuda and toda please.

This is a cruel thing to say, but if you hurt others deliberately time after time, I think you don't deserve to complain when you get hurt, too. When you disregard the feelings of other people but you expect everyone else to prioritize yours? That isn't very nice. Scratch that- it's revolting, actually. I know this and I still can't stand the fact that my words will never bring you any sort of comfort when you're upset. I care, but do you? Of course not. I think you can love a person too much. So much that no matter how you treat me, I'll never be able to bring myself to hate you.

On a happier note, someone surprised me with strepsils and a note randomly! Thankyou dong hehe (:

2010-07-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

It sucks, when the people you'll do anything for don't love you-
Or think about you at all, actually.

"Be here for you 24/7"
What you promised.
Wish I could summon up the strength to laugh at the irony of it all now.

You don't know how much it hurts me to see you down.

2010-07-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things in life-
Having words in your heart that you can’t utter.

1. Horrible haircut which will take goodness knows how long to grow out has ruined my mood for just about everything. It's quite sad that a deformed mutant like me has to be released on the unsuspecting public on a daily basis.

2. It'd be nice if I could tear up all the prelim papers they happily throw at us every, single, day. And then dump them into the fire, for good measure.

3. I have to avert my eyes whenever I accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Thank God my mirror doesn't talk or it'd be screaming OMGZ IT'S THE FEMALE VERSION OF VOLDEMORT!!! RUN!!

4. Do we mean anything anymore?

5. Seriously there is nothing to be happy about nowadays.

6. Hearing the ndp airplanes every saturday makes me miss ndp so much ): Marching marching I want to march, pretty please with a cherry on top? /:

2010-07-22T09:14:00.001-07:00

And don't we miss the days nights were spent polishing boots and not slogging over math papers,
The days afternoons were spent dying and sweating buckets in the hot sun and not stuck in an air-conditioned room, listening to smth we have to pretend to be interested in.

Deep loud voices and the usual scraping of dust with our feet instead of cool solid bangs. The sound of running feet and that exciting anticipation.

Snap, back to reality and all we're left with are books, papers, studying and more studying; same shit, different day.

Those wonderful times are long gone.

2010-07-21T09:13:00.001-07:00

It's becoming a nightly routine now.
Ripped into shreds.

But who'd save you.

2010-07-20T07:13:00.001-07:00

"yup deep in your heart you just know you love me!"
"HAHA egooo, ofc no need deep inside la hehe(:"

You make me smileee (:

2010-07-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

"Hello, I'm here to stop your heart."

The note matilda gave me really made my monday, as well as the msg from carene on friday (: Random surprises lift your spirits more than anything else can.

Community singing was pretty fun, there were high people, stoned people, people criticizing the songs happily (HAHA), people texting their scandalous ahems (HAHAHA), and oh the ndp song really tugs at my heartstrings awhh. But I still couldn't resist singing it differently haha oops. Leaders' invest was, full of mixed emotions? Pride, bittersweet, haunting memories from the past. No other way to describe it, really. Charmaine was the coolest! HAHA.

To sum everything that happened today up in one sentence: What you do not get isn't always what you do not deserve. Really, it's true. And don't assume things if you're doing so, hmpf. These few years have taught me that life is unbelievably and outrageously messed up sometimes anyw, I've long given up thinking about such things too much. We know how it really is, and it's good enough. Words are but black ink on white paper. It's the truths, not untruths, that matter.

Are there times you feel glad that nobody is able to hear your heartbeat, or your thoughts? It wasn't supposed to turn out this way - definitely wasn't part of the plan. What to do, now.

And my mind is made up, more than ever. There wasn't a need for us to visit that booth today, we don't need to find out more about smth we're alrd sure about, HAHA.

2010-07-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

"And there you were,
As I saw my Juliet come graceful down the stairs
It's hard to miss
The way, her eyes light up the room
And steal the air"

Life sucks so bad I am going to be sucked right into the ground soon.

2010-07-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

Can't explain these crying spells, or the insane moodswings, or the nightmares.
One moment I'm bursting with joy and the next moment I want to die.

Fighting to keep up with the facade.
But yknow one of the hardest things to do is to act happy and smile, and laugh, and put smilies in your texts, when all you really want to do is scream.

I'm tired. Really.
Hanging onto the bumper, and life goes on.

2010-07-10T03:33:00.000-07:00

"Journey's End"

Don't know how to describe how I felt after it ended, a little empty, really happy at the ed/win scene, a little lost, awfully sad, and that tinge of regret and contentment mixed together. After all, it's a story I've been following for years, haha. Truth to be told, the ending was a bit too much of a fairy tale-ish one? It sounds cruel to say this but I thought maybe roy shouldn't have gotten his sight back, imperfections are beautiful (but no moustaches please) - and the appearance of ANOTHER potentially creepy selim just sent shivers from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, totally unsettling, seriously. Loved the fact that alphonse got his body back though, it was weird in a good way to see edward with a blonde guy next to him instead of the familiar grey armor that blushes and talks (hahaha). Um but what's up with the al/mei pairing! Quite cool that there wasn't any birth date or death date on hohenheim's tombstone, though.

Oh and how could I forget to mention that it was awesome to see edward punching the living daylights out of stupid old Mr. Philosopher-stone-obsessed, the bad guy just has to be eradicated don't you think. Never expected ed to give up his Gate though, talk about a heavy price /: dropped my phone at that part, haha - but getting his brother back was worth it. Random, it would've been nice to have a proper hughes scene! Even though, he's like, err, dead. ): I liked how they showed that homunculi had feelings too, like envy during like the last half-minute of his life (sadness ttm) and greed obviously.

Not a series I can forget about easily anytime soon. It's really something that doesn't focus on stupid things like taking over the world or getting stronger for the wrong reasons, or something that gets so long and draggy at certain episodes that you start to believe the author has forgotten the meaning behind the entire story (sasuke-kun anyone??) - in the end, it really was all about brotherhood, humanity and friendship. Haha awhh.

Once again, words which nobody will understand, HAHA.

The moment all Ed/Win fans have been waiting for:

Ed: It's an equivalent exchange. I'll give you half of my life, so give me half of your life!
Winry: Oh, alchemists and their Equivalent Exchange. Why do you all have to think like that? Equivalent Exchange? That's so foolish.
Ed: Wh-what do you say?!
Winry: You're such a fool. Never mind the half, I'll give you my whole life.

(pause)

Winry: Ah, wait- maybe not the whole, I take that back! Ninety percent... or, maybe eighty percent? Eh... maybe seventy- well, that's not right either. Can it be sixty-five percent?

-

The best scene from the last episode of fma, in my opinion. What kind of twisted proposal is that? Epic-ness taken to the highest level man. Haha. Still, dorky and cutesy romance wins it all!

Ed narrates philosophically in the end and very fittingly so: “A lesson without pain is meaningless. You cannot gain something without sacrificing something in return. But once you have withstood the pain, you will gain a heart that is stronger than everything else. A Fullmetal Heart.”

That's it then, the end of a story that has pretty much stolen my heart over and over again since I first watched it. I rmb thinking what on God's green earth is this?!! during episode 1 of the first season because the first scene was just screaming, blood and a deformed corpse - or was that even a corpse? I thought it would turn out to be smth like battle royale, full of violence but was I ever wrong, hahah. Anw, fma movie coming up! I think sooner or later all viewers must accept the fact that all good animes must come to a final, absolute end.
-

TGIF has kind of lost its meaning, cause even though I'm glad it's the weekends (two whole days without having to sit at a desk for like seven hours slaving away), it still means studying and more studying, no? Therefore I conclude - wha zis dah point -.-

It's about to rain. I love that feeling, grey sky and cold wind and you can watch people playing football! It's like, a free world cup match broadcast. Yeah man. HAHA. Speaking of which, soccer fever has officially taken over the world. And why do RI students get a world cup day? There are female soccer fans too yknow, hellooo sexist much! PROTEST. Tell me, where is the fairness in this!? Sheesh.

Oh the ndp 2010 theme song is really nice, I know there are cedarians in the music video, yes, yes - but the thing is, err, I don't know any of them ): noooo.

Math now, oohlala.

2010-07-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

What you used to say so often,
Give it all up.

Realism, eh?

I just want to tear up everything and scream.
You can judge me for all you want.
Go on, drown me; day after day, hour after hour,
What is the point of all this?

Something to do, something to love, something to hope for.

What if - way, too much to do, don't know what to love, absolutely nothing to hope for?

What, was that crap about humane treatment?
Don't contradict words with actions.

So, bloody, tired.
Disappointment. Hurt feelings. Hate. Angst.
Why?

Why struggle.
From the bottom of my heart,
Nobody would give a damn.

2010-07-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

Silver lining covered in gold.

Really have no idea whether these are still the same, but somehow, for some unfathomable reason, even though you've never been in my life, I've never spoken to you for more than twenty times, you're half a decade older than me, I've never crossed your mind and we're worlds apart, despite everything- you're constantly on my mind. Take care for that, stay safe.

Okay the first week back was terrible, monday and tuesday felt like two whole laborious months in the desert without a drop of water. I wonder how I managed to miss this during the hols? They've even taken away jogging now, well hello fats and endless work. I'd like jogging. Really no life okay, there is no way anyone could like it. Don't lie to yourself! Haha but it's always nice to see people you want to see daily, that's the only good thing.

Anw, smth last night made me drop my phone, not going to lie and say it wasn't shocking to the very max, like to the greatest extent the word max can take you to. HAHA. Truly, impossible things do happen. And as for the next shock received. I can't pretend it didn't hurt but really, no point thinking about it anymore. Sigh.

知らぬが仏。

15 more weeks. How much longer can I last?

Oh and on a side note, my heart got smashed into a million tiny pieces a few days ago, japan lost 0-1 to paraguay -.- And you know what the best thing was? It was such a close match. Tsk. I'll miss watching keisuke honda play, he was good.

2010-06-27T01:46:00.000-07:00

Beware of the “too”-ers

livethelife:

You know who they are. Those people who say that you’re too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too young, too old, too inexperienced. The ones who say that you dream too much, question too much, wander too much, trust too much, giggle too much {yes, I once had a professor who told me that I giggled too much}. The people who proclaim you to be too nice, too sweet, too good, too tough, too scattered, too smart, too silly, too serious, too driven, too earnest, too vulnerable, too independent for your own good. the ones who try to tell you that if you want to reach your goal, you’re going to have to stop being too too much.

Well guess what? You aren’t too anything. You are just right. Just the way you are.

And you’ll get to where you want to go, by staying true to you. Just the way you are.

Stop judging and start living man.
School tmr! Which means six weeks to prelim two.
The thought of it is making my heart shrivel up, -.-
-

When I reformatted my phone, I didn't realise that I'd lose your number. For good.
Cried.

But then- maybe it's better this way.
I won't see your name anymore.

2010-06-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

Ha! We wish.

2010-06-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

JAPAN 3:1 DENMARK!

Hahaha my brother thought they'd lose.

2010-06-24T03:21:00.000-07:00

Who holds the stars up in the sky?

"Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up."

Today was pretty productive! Which is quite rare eh, HAHA. Unfortunately I ruined my hardworking and non-piggy day by eating macs -.- also known as fries that stay in your tummy for ten weeks (don't take pure geog if you want to continue living in ignorant bliss), and coke that corrodes egg shells, yippeedoodle yay. Awesome company made my day hoho three cheers for squaddies! (:

School's starting soon, can I say I don't want? ): Got reminded of normal torturous school days during lesson extension, the endless worksheets and notes and tests and droning voices - it's going to be like that starting next week, except it'll be triple the pain. How could I have thought that the holidays were too long?! Must've been out of my mind. Should have savoured the freedom as much as possible, but now it's too late ):

Anw this made me a happy kid!

Haha yaye I'm going to watch it like maybe tmr or smth if I've got time (: Oh and received a piece of news I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh over: liar game's movie's going to be out in cinemas on 29th July - well, tell me, should I laugh cause the movie actually made it to singapore, or cry because the release date is one week before prelim two? Joy. Really want to watch it okay, I bet the only flaw in the movie is the fact that fujiwara tatsuya isn't in it hahaha sad life of O level candidates.

SK, why do you seem so sad recently ): I dk why tooooo ):

Think it's really true that sadness is temporary, but attacks frequently. Just can't bring myself to forget, though. Can't get it off my mind at all. At times I wish I'd never met you, and indeed I wouldn't have if I'd made a different decision. But to be honest, I'd rather be unbelievably happy for a period of time and then get hurt, than be never happy at all, just emotionless. Wow, I really wonder if I'm wrong to think like that? Perhaps I do deserve to have these things happening to me. I'd really do anything at all to be the one to hug you when you're down, sing with you when you're happy. Used to wish I could fall asleep in your arms for just one night.

Dear dong, thankyou for the msg last night okay, really really(: thankyou for always being so sweet to me, you make me so very very happy, I hope I make you happy too(: omg I sound like a kid right! If you agree I'll throw all my bags at you this time. HAHA.
-

People are people
And sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Every little bump in the road
I tried to swerve

I can't breathe, without you
But I have to

Truly, nothing I said saved us from the fallout.

2010-06-23T02:43:00.000-07:00

You're looking east with the heaviest heart I can ever recall seeing.

Matilda doesn't come here, but I was really grateful for her msg yesterday. (:
It's really the smallest gestures that make you feel a whole lot better.

I think it's time I gave up.

They say good things have a way of falling apart.

Don't you envy the people who sail through their days as if nothing and no one matters to them, the ones who literally bounce back up after every single fall and feel no attachment for anything, anyone, at all.

Sometimes I think, these may be the strongest people around.

2010-06-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

I really do.

2010-06-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

Hello world I need to whine I'm so sorry please close the window now before your eyes have to sufferrr ):

Tonight is such a sad night, I don't likeeee.

Had to force myself to do chemmm, I was upset cause the questions were all v v v v v (HAHA oh this never gets old) haaaard ):

For some reason I'm very annoyed with things I'm usually not annoyed with and I complained to yujie and she disappeared and I was sad but now she's back agaaain.

My mom says I'm fat and I'm pale and white ): My brother says I'm yellow ): No nice tan + fats = uglyyyy.

Very grumpy, irritated, unhappy ): I think I'm going mad but yj is even more mad, she says she's excited for tmr cause she's going popular! Crazy right, tsktsktsk I feel so sane talking to her.

I don't want mards tmrrrr, forgot how to do differentiation how could I. Like that how to learn integration, huh rosalind you tell me how la huh? You don't know how to differentiate, want to integrate what? Integrate air ah. You go and grow crops in the field la you.

You're so sweet I think your msgs give me sugar rushes!

What did sushi A say to sushi B?
WASABIIII HAHAHAHHAA.

Why are you so impossibly adorable?
And out of my league.

There was an ant on my table, it was so ugly and hairy and gross and kept crawling around. Why must insects crawl? If they'd glide gracefully across the table/floor, we wouldn't feel the need to scream when we see them lo. Am I right? Am I right? (in his tone)

SK ignoring me! ): HAHA.

Gudo naito minna-san, sweet dreams!
(I think I've officially gone mad)

2010-06-20T00:38:00.000-07:00

16693.) Hello whoever is reading this,

blogsecret:

I just want to let you know that everything is going to be okay. I promise you. So breathe, close your eyes, and smile. Promise.

2010-06-17T07:22:00.000-07:00

"If you're a witch, I'll become a warlock."

[Begin rant nobody understands] Quoted from code geass. Think my heart practically melted into a pool of whatever hearts melt into like hot fudge on a sundae when lelouch said this to c.c, even though there probably wasn't any romantic intent behind it, at all. BUT STILL. It's just so incredibly sweet compared to the cliché line everyone knows about, "You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess," because how hard is it to be an aristocrat? A warlock, the male equivalent of witches, however- dunno how to explain what I mean, I must sound incoherent haha. And stupid.

Anyway I've finished code geass, some bits were quite unnecessarily complicated, or maybe it was just my inability to listen properly when the characters talk continuously for more than five minutes, haha short attention span la. The plot twists were shocking enough and omg I fainted at all the cutesy parts hahah. Not that there were many. Oh and fma manga's ended according to tehlian but I refuse to read it until I have loads of unlimited spare time to spare - i.e. after O's hahah right now I'll just stick with the episodes till the end. [/End rant nobody understands]

By the way, isn't the green hair in the picture awesome, yaye cosplay ftw.
Hmm, I always have this feeling that not a single soul understands what I'm talking about in my posts. HAHA.

Life has been very boring recently, to the point that I feel like all my days are flying by in a blur. It's like there was this one day I woke up, stoned and suddenly an hour passed, and then I attempted to do work and this was when time practically apparates, I tell you. It's 2pm, you tell yourself you'll finish this math paper by 3... and then, suddenly, it's freaking 5pm! Must be the power of proscrastination, I am helpless in its presence seriously.

Perhaps they should abolish june holidays for sec4s, since it doesn't really serve a purpose for the less disciplined ones (like me), hahah I'd rather they had lessons even though I'll probably feel super resentful about it. Can't wait for school to start so I can see everyone again, even though the meaning behind school is gone since there isn't redcross anymore, bah.

Very obsessed with tumblr lately, can't help it. Your fault la w, HAHA.

What all students should be wearing, facebook is the main culprit guilty of time stealing! Not stealing, considered robbing alrd man, tsk. But we are all willing victims. Except clever kids like zheng yujie that refuse to create fb accounts, for the sake of their 6-8 raw points and national junior college! And red blazers and speech day awardee!! HAHAHAH.

Need to complain about my hair now, excuse me please. You may avert your eyes. Like what on earth is wrong with my hair really really! ): Just want sane nice hair that stays the way I want it to and doesn't fly into crazed curls and splits here and there and everywhere except for where I want it to split at! Which is nowhere! And look at me happily grumbling about my bad hair here when people who have like double or even triple my hair length and thickness (which is more than three quarters the world's human population since my hair is impossibly thin, and sparse) are probably dying of rebellious hair problems, tsk myself.

I miss talking nonsense face to face non-stop with shifu even though she won't believe it HAHA and I miss T, and S, and being a small kid cause the biggest thing back then that made me cry was missing an episode of hi-5 (yes I cried over things like that). Oh and scoldings from my parents ofc. But my parents hardly ever scolded me as a kid, my dad told me once that I was like a little angel sent down from heaven - awhhh. Unfortunately something must've happened along the way, cause my angel's halo turned into devil's horns, HAHA sad case.

Oh and random, I think I've got a thing for oversized shirts. And straight bangs, and biceps. And big eyes, nice tans and sweet msgs, pretty words. And I think I've talked too much tonight.

Goodnight earthlings, the moon is shining brightly, oh v brightly. Well I can't see it right now but I'm sure it's shining brightly somewhere. Bye.

2010-06-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

"We are inches away but we are also oceans apart, and I can feel you fading in the distance, in an instant and I am worried this means our skin will never touch again. Because even though you are right here, you are also over there in a boat, floating far, far away and I can’t seem to reach you anymore. Our ties, our limbs have unraveled themselves, and my heart is no longer your anchor—you’ve managed to sink and bury it and left it on its own and me, alone, sitting on the shore watching you go, without saying goodbye." -52hearts

The words that hurt the most are the ones that're left unspoken.
I can't let go. Always thought that if there was a proper closure, something to seal the wound completely like words I can remember and say, "Yeah, at least we know it's over," it'd be easier, but it just doesn't work like that.

Why do I bother anymore.
You don't care.

I shouldn't, either.

2010-06-14T22:34:00.000-07:00

JAPAN 1:0 CAMEROON!

2010-06-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

Forever's a broken promise.

Foolish romantics.
We should really stop going right back to the people who break our hearts, over and over again. I mean, how silly can one get? It's like running straight towards a forthcoming train knowing you're going to be smashed into bits like a china porcelain doll, heart, soul, and all. And when you survive, you gather up what's left of you and your broken pieces and you rush for the train again, only to get hit, again. In fact, this could be considered masochistic.

But I still choose to do so, repeatedly.
The depths of my stupidity, I cannot fathom.

Why, do I actually enjoy getting pain inflicted upon me? Actually I think, it's the hope that keeps me alive, that keeps me trying and trying. The hope that you might one day start to care about me the way you used to. Not realising that to care about someone, you actually have to own a heart in the first place, and obviously you don't, do you. You promised me forever but you never gave me a day. Then why do I still feel panicky when I know you aren't alright?

Okay I should stop my rubbish now, hello code geass, goodbye stupid idiot I hate you I miss you I love you.

2010-06-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

OMG LOVE.

2010-06-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

Smile the while you kiss me sad adieu
When the clouds roll by I'll come to you.
Then the skies will seem more blue,
Down in Lover's Lane, my dearie.

I heard this song was popular in the aftermath of world war 1.

And when you think about it for a while, the people today are really much more fortunate than the people in the past. They never knew if they'd live to see the next sunrise, they never knew when their loved ones would leave them. It must've been horrible for them to live in doubt, in painful suspense, never to be certain of what lies ahead in the future. On the other hand, we have shelters over our heads. We never have to worry about not having enough food or clothes, never have to worry about sudden wars and violence between countries that may wreck our families.

Yet, despite our comfortable and safe lives, why do we still suffer from frequent attacks of depression, pangs of anxiety and insecurity?

Isn't it weird. /:
-

W, I'm really grateful for you too, (:

2010-06-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

HAHHAHA this made me laugh.

Anyway holidays have been a real drag so far, sigh. Every day's just spent studying, slacking, sleeping, eating, studying and the routine repeats itself. It's so monotonous, I need a life. ): Got my results back last week and it was really scary ttm, my heart was hammering so fast I thought it was going to fly out of my ribcage or something, sheesh. Did a whole lot better than expected but felt upset with myself cause people were disappointed in me. Ohwell.

I've been watching Shokojo Seira (translated as Princess Sara). It was recommended by carene! Haha I just finished the last episode one or two days ago and to say it was a good watch would be an understatement. It's based on this really old book written back in 1904 named A Little Princess, your basic riches to rags story. Everything about it was well-paced and there were hardly any loopholes at all in the story, only things I didn't like was the weird romance they threw in and the fact that friendship was downplayed at some parts. Shida mirai was really outstanding though.
-

Charmaine: I call my grandmother mama.
Carene: ...You're peranakan??

Class bbq on friday was fun! Really felt genuinely happy that day hehe. Lunch at cafe cartel for like the first time in my life (oops deprived much), ntuc, charmaine's house and then py's house. Felt awesome to dance around the swimming pool like a lunatic, HAHAHA.

-

Conflicting emotions, really miss freedom. Today she told me the truth about something. Swallowed the angry words. I really wonder just how many times she wants to lie to me, really and honestly.

Miss you, how're you doing?

2010-06-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

When I first saw this I felt an odd ache inside my chest.
Have you ever made a wish knowing it'll never come true?

2010-06-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

I thought today would be a yucky day cause of extra lessons, but classmates made it awesome (:

Random:
I'm in love!

With rainie yang's japanese version of aimei. HAHA.
Her taiwanese accent's quite obvious but it still sounds worship worthy.

Alright, back to chem.